SEEN, HEARD and PAID by Alan Henry, Book Excerpt: Microaggressions


I am honored to share this excerpt from Alan Henry’s new book, Seen, Heard and Paid: The New Work Rules for the Marginalized. Alan is my incredible editor at WIRED!

Alan Henry, Photo by Jack Wallace


Alan Henry is a journalist and editor who writes and commissions stories that help readers make better use of their technology and embrace a healthier relationship with it in their lives. He is currently senior editor at Wired. He was previously the Smarter Living editor at The New York Times, and before that the editor in chief of the productivity and lifestyle blog Lifehacker.

Listen to Alan Henry on The Money Nerve:

SEEN, HEARD and PAID: Microaggressions

Microaggressions are subtle, deniable actions that undermine a person or exclude or malign the individual. The actions are easily explained away by forgetfulness, ignorance, or anything but the malice that often inspires them. Perhaps a more blatant and specific example comes from my friend and colleague Hahna Yoon, who wrote a guide on how to deal with microaggressions for the New York Times. Yoon opens the piece by describing the time a friend’s boyfriend went out of his way to explain the concept and history of American Thanksgiving to her, as though she hadn’t been raised in the United States. She shared her experiences with online dating and being regularly approached by men who claim to love Asian women almost as a fetish, as though her entire self-had been reduced to her ethnicity. We could, as she explains, sit and argue over whether those people meant anything harmful by their actions. We could even discuss whether their actions are racist (they are) or whether their actions make those people racist (unclear, but that’s not the point). The point is that the actions are born from racial ignorance and result in behavior that’s actively harmful to the person it’s inflicted on.

Their fleeting nature is key to why microaggressions are so difficult to pin down, examine, and respond to. People who face microaggressions struggle to find the right way to respond to them, because—and this is part of the malice—responding directly or overtly can be perceived as flying off the handle or playing into negative stereotypes of “bitchy” women workers or “angry Black” workers or cultural stereotypes where someone may not understand the subtleties of how badly they’ve been treated. Instead of focusing on the action and how the action was hurtful, the focus shifts immediately back to the intention of the perpetrator and whether that person meant to do harm, bypassing the need for apology or self-reflection on their part, entirely. In short, the man who approaches Yoon on a dating site and says “Wow, I love Asian women! Do you want to go out sometime?” may think he’s being flirtatious and approachable, but instead he has reduced Yoon’s entire self to the way he perceives her ethnicity as a tangible thing to be desired and obtained. He may not understand that this behavior is exploitative and racist, but it is. He may not have intended it to be this way, but that doesn’t change the fact that it is. And because he is opening with this microaggression, Yoon then has to either ignore it entirely or confront him on his behavior.


One technique that has worked for me in moments of microaggression is to ask someone, completely seriously, “What do you mean by that?” Forcing another person to halt the flow of the conversation and reflect on exactly why you asked them what they meant— and forcing them to examine the meaning behind their words— is often enough to signal that they said something wrong. The question signals that they should probably stop short and think again before making a comment like that around you.

I’ve particularly found this technique helpful when talking with people who will make comments about a group I’m not a member of, or at least not visibly so. If someone makes an anti-Semitic comment, for example, a little stone- faced “What do you mean by that?” or “How did you come to think that?” goes a long way. In most cases, the reaction is embarrassment rather than defensiveness, and that’s enough. It’s not truly corrective, in that I don’t dispel the notions that caused the person to believe what they’re saying. But it’s certainly enough to make them aware that I don’t share their sentiment and I’m not the kind of person they should say such things to.

If you prefer an approach that focuses a bit more on educating the person or trying to correct their behavior for the long term, consider, first, letting them know that you’re sure their intentions weren’t malicious. This approach gives them the benefit of the doubt (although, frankly, some people don’t deserve it) and will help stave off the defensiveness. Then you let them know that what they said is harmful and explain why. Ruchika Tulshyan also has a suggestion. “In terms of making people aware,” she says, “I like to name behaviors and actions rather than label people. So I have found moderate success with saying ‘When you don’t invite me to meetings, I feel excluded. Could it be because I’m the only person of color?’ rather than, ‘You’re a racist for not inviting me to these meetings.’ ” I can vouch for this idea— unfortunately many people, especially privileged ones, perceive the possibility of being labeled racist, sexist, or otherwise discriminatory as somehow worse than the actual harmful treatment they inflict on others. Tulshyan continues, “Some re-search shows people with privilege can be so immunized by it, they may not even know they’re being biased. But if you’re met with anything else than genuine desire to learn and improve from the other person, I wouldn’t push the issue. It’s not the marginalized person’s problem to fix!”

Excerpted from SEEN, HEARD, AND PAID copyright © 2022 by Alan Henry. Used by permission of RodaleBooks, an imprint of the Crown Publishing Group, a division of Penguin Random House LLC, New York. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.

From Kirkus Reviews: “For members of minorities who want to navigate the corporate jungle, this book is an essential guide.”

Buy Alan Henry’s new book, Seen, Heard and Paid

Lisa Ellen Niver

Lisa Ellen Niver is an award-winning travel expert who has explored 102 countries and six continents. A graduate of the University of Pennsylvania, she worked on cruise ships for seven years and backpacked for three years in Asia. She is the founder of the website WeSaidGoTravel which is read in 235 countries and was named #3 on Rise Global’s top 1,000 Travel Blogs. Niver is represented by Chip MacGregor of MacGregor Literary, Inc. With more than 150,000 followers across social media, she has hosted Facebook Live for USA Today 10best, is verified on Twitter and listed on IMDb, and is the Social Media Manager for the Los Angeles Press Club. You can find Lisa Niver talking travel on broadcast television at KTLA TV Los Angeles, Satellite Media Tours, The Jet Set TV and Orbitz travel webisodes as well as her YouTube channel, where her WeSaidGoTravel videos have over 1.6 million views. After three months on TikTok, Instagram Reels, Facebook Reels and YouTube Shorts, she had over 500,000 (1/2 million) views. As a journalist, Niver has interviewed Deepak Chopra, Olympic medalists, and numerous bestselling authors and been invited to both the Oscars and the United Nations. She has been a judge for the Gracie Awards for the Alliance of Women in Media, and has run 15 travel competitions on her website, publishing over 2,500 writers and photographers from 75 countries. For her print and digital stories as well as her television segments, she has been awarded three Southern California Journalism Awards and two National Arts and Entertainment Journalism Awards and been a finalist twenty times.   Niver has published more than 2000 articles, in more than three dozen magazines and journals including National Geographic, Wired, Teen Vogue, HuffPost Personal, POPSUGAR, Ms. Magazine, Luxury Magazine, Smithsonian, Sierra Club, Saturday Evening Post, AARP, AAA Explorer Magazine, American Airways, Delta Sky, enRoute (Air Canada), Hemispheres, Jewish Journal, Myanmar Times, BuzzFeed, Robb Report, Scuba Diver Life, Ski Utah, Trivago, Undomesticated, USA Today, TODAY, Wharton Magazine, and Yahoo. Awards National Arts and Entertainment Journalism Awards 2021 Winner: Book Critic: Ms. Magazine “Untamed: Brave Means Living From the Inside Out” 2019 Winner: Soft News Feature for Film/TV: KTLA TV “Oscars Countdown to Gold with Lisa Niver” 2019 Finalist for: Soft News, Business/Music/Tech/Art Southern California Journalism Awards 2022 Finalist: Book Criticism 2021 Winner: Technology Reporting 2021 Finalist: Book Criticism 2020 Winner: Print Magazine Feature: Hemispheres Magazine, “Painter by the Numbers, Rembrandt” 2020 Finalist: Online Journalist of the Year, Activism Journalism, Educational Reporting, Broadcast Lifestyle Feature 2019 Finalist: Broadcast Television Lifestyle Segment for “Ogden Ski Getaway” 2018 Finalist: Science/Technology Reporting, Travel Reporting, Personality Profile 2017 Winner: Print Column “A Journey to Freedom over Three Passovers” Social Media Presence YouTube Channel: We Said Go Travel (1.6 million views) Short form video:TikTok, Instagram Reels, Facebook Reels, YouTube Shorts Twitter: lisaniver (90,000 followers) Instagram: lisaniver (24,000 followers) Pinterest: We Said Go Travel (20,000 followers and over 70,000 monthly views) Facebook: lisa.niver (5,000 followers); We Said Go Travel (3,000 followers) LinkedIn: lisaellenniver (9000 contacts)

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