Return to India

 

Never in my wildest nightmares did I think I would return to India. Not after last time and the following months of therapy, depression medication refills, and reoccurring dreams of a man’s face melting off in an open fire. Yet here I am, sitting by a different window wearing my old saffron salware kameez, listening to the honking traffic and an ethereal woman’s voice singing in a language I still don’t understand on a radio at a idly food stall below.

India is not the same and neither am I. It has been three years, after all. Coming here was almost unavoidable in my year-long trip around the world, but why a whole two months? In one of my novel writing classes before I graduated we talked about characters, and how the characters we love and trust are the ones who face the one thing they fear the most. I am not a fictional character. My experiences were more than letters on a page. But I wondered as I boarded the plane from Thailand and filled out the Indian immigration card if I too can recreate myself. Maybe I can reincarnate bravery and healing from the ashes of old fears and trauma.

I am hopeful, but some discomforts and annoyances are familiar and remind me of the past. I still don’t care for sensory overload, darting across the road almost sure I will be hit by a rickshaw one day, or the unidentifiable pungent liquids snaking through the broken up sidewalks. I have given up on being comfortable with blatant inequality and poverty thrust in my face and the never-ending war in my heart and head when a beggar approaches me with a pan. But this time I’m trying to pull that back and look deeper for something I missed.

There were good things, I admit, as I look out this window and remember flickers of what I forgot to appreciate. They have flooded back to me, even though I have only been back a week. There are the obvious answers: the food, the music, the ancient cultural heritage, and the people. But there are also the sounds—the faint jingling of gold jewelry, the monk’s reverberating mantras—and the colors.

I can’t ignore the colors, especially the indigo saris, the emerald jewels, the red walls lined with cracking textures, and the bright yellow lettering on buildings. I can’t dismiss these any more than the chalk art standing guard in front of doorways, the marigolds paving the way for a wedding, or the overwhelming hospitality of the people I meet here.

And then there are the smells beyond the sewage—sweet smelling cinnamon, whiffs of masala and peppermint tea, and savory wafts that come from the tandoori oven. I especially love the smell of hot dahl I squish together with my fingers before eating with my hand. I admit to myself that these are some of the best smells I’ve encountered in my travels around the world.

Looking out the window I know I have choices. I can note the steel bars lining the glass and see this as a kind of prison, a tribute to the past and testament to my stubbornness, hopelessness, and fears. I can also see past the bars to admire the orange blossoms on the Paras Pipal tree standing nearby, signaling second chances. Even better, I can take the pieces and see a whole. And if I am feeling brave and look even closer, I can see my own reflection in the hidden glass looking back at me, framing everything.

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3 responses to “Return to India

  1. I read you article yesterday which was sent to me via e mail by a friend in India. I am an Indian ,born and raised in Mumbai or Bombay as I still call that city. I dont know whether you came across any Parsees during your stay there? we are a small tribe that came from Persia around the 8th century and have contributed to our adopted country in large measures.
    I have been living in New York and its environs since 15 years and was very happy to read that an American went to that country with an open mind and came back happy with the experience from that paradoxical land .
    I have met many Americans who always tell me “One day I want to go to India” but never actually commit to travelling there.
    I sincerely hope that more and more Americans will venture forth after reading your honest and interesting article.
    Good luck in your future travels. around the globe.

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